Women of all ages across the globe open up about their sexual experiences amid a time of supposed societal sexual upheaval
The recently released film Wicker is full of sex. So much sex that some theaters released a 4D version where audiences can feel their seats creak in sync with the passionate lovemaking of the protagonist, a fisher played by Olivia Colman, and her husband, played by Alexander Skarsgård.
Also, this husband is made of wicker.
The film comes at a time of supposed sexual upheaval. Headlines wail about younger generations having less sex, and gallons and gallons of digital ink have been spilled over the concept of heteropessimism – the idea that women who engage in romantic relationships with men are doomed to unfulfilling sex. In this context, it makes sense that women would be drawn to the idea that the only way to find a satisfying sexual and romantic partner is to have them built out of twigs.
But is it really so bleak out there? The answer seems to be yes – and no. We asked single women to share their relationship to sex, and women of all ages across the globe opened up about their experiences.
Answers have been edited and condensed for clarity.
I hear newer generations of men are getting better at it
I’m 86, I live alone with my dog, and I enjoy the freedom of no attachment to a man. Before this, I was married twice, and selectively sexually active with men until my mid-60s. Sex was important but disappointing, because I was rarely with a man who knew how to satisfy a woman. I’ve consistently needed a light touch, and come easily, but the men I was with were mostly too rough and thoughtless! I’ve usually chosen older men; I hear that newer generations of men are getting better at it.
Now I can take care of myself as easily as I want with a small, comforting vibrator and I’m really happy with that. – Anonymous, 86, California
For years I was a very selfish lover
I refuse to live without sex. I like men, and have discovered since becoming single again at 48 that older men are still interested in sex, and the interesting ones prefer women closer to their age.
I had about 10 difficult years raising a severely autistic child. Sex was one of the only ways I could do something for myself. It was an absolute priority in my life, something that helped me hang on to my sanity and my humanity. Now that I’m no longer a full-time caregiver, sex is more about connecting with my partner, but for years I was a very selfish lover. Men don’t seem to mind being given instructions and being pursued. In fact, they seem to love it. – Beverly, 56, New York
There is nothing like an orgasm to help get you through the challenges of life
Sex is super important to me. It’s a need, something I engage in for my health and wellbeing, not just connection. I need to feel regular physical contact, or if that isn’t available, I use a vibrator. There is nothing like an orgasm to help get you through the challenges of life. There is no shame in loving sex!
Over the last couple of years, my body has experienced trauma because I’m BRCA1 [a breast cancer gene]: I’ve had three operations including a double mastectomy and the removal of my ovaries and fallopian tubes. I was seeing someone through that experience, and it was so important to know that I could still enjoy sex with my new implants and lack of estrogen. It was daunting and I’m still getting used to it. You need to adapt as you age, but honestly, I’m having better sex than when I was younger. – Tamara, 55, UK
I am still trying to get over my fear of sex
As a teenager, I developed a fear of becoming aroused to the point where I was uncomfortable sitting on uneven surfaces or anything that might cause genital sensation. I was raised in a very sexually conservative household, but as a teenager I realized I was a lesbian and struggled a lot with that before deciding in my late 20s that I was going to be less afraid. I started my first romantic relationship a couple of months ago, and despite being very attracted to my partner, I am still trying to get over my fear of sex. – Anonymous, 30, US
Sadly, I’m heterosexual
I’ve always had a high sex drive, and perimenopause hasn’t changed that. In my previous relationships, it was often higher than my partner’s. Sex to me is about release and imagination. It’s fun. But the thought of involving a male partner (sadly I’m heterosexual) who won’t take the time to have good sex, doesn’t call you back, wants you to play a certain “feminine” role or present your body in a particular way means that masturbation is far more fulfilling. I’ve always had better and more frequent orgasms with self-pleasure rather than with the majority of my previous partners. It’s a wonderful gift that the human body has given us. – Anonymous, 51, UK
Not all it’s cracked up to be
I am a straight woman and I was attracted to men, but I have always found sex to be wildly overrated. It’s fun at first, and great for getting pregnant (I had two kids, both planned), but basically not all it’s cracked up to be.
Now that I’m widowed, I enjoy having control over all aspects of my life. I can pursue things that really interest me instead of having to consider the needs of my husband. I loved him, but I really am enjoying widowhood. I have no interest in a romantic relationship.
There are many things for me which are more pleasurable than sex, which makes me feel odd. But I can get as big a thrill out of a good book, a great meal or even a well-played classical work as I ever did out of sex. – Anonymous, 66, Spain
I want it in my life!
I had relatively boring sex until I turned 50. As a young woman, it was because I was not comfortable with my body so I found it hard to relax and enjoy myself or feel desirable. Later, my long-term relationship was not a happy one. We had functional sex. I could orgasm once I heard it was “OK” to stimulate myself while having intercourse (revelation!) but our physical connection was a bit like augmented masturbation for me.
When we separated, I developed an unexpected connection with a guy which was so amazing. This was my sexual awakening. I thought: This is what I have been missing out on?! It was incredible for a range of reasons: I was more at ease with my body; he absolutely desired me and did not hesitate to show and tell me, so any doubts I had were wiped away; we also had an extremely intense emotional and intellectual connection.
Since then, I’ve had some relationships with good sex, but nothing quite like that. Now I’m able to relax about my body and just enjoy myself. Currently, I’m single and not having sex with anyone, which is frustrating because I want it in my life! – Anonymous, 60, Australia
My experiences with men have been deeply painful
I am very uninterested in sex and relationships now. My experiences with men have been deeply painful, and I am tired and just want to be left alone! I started having sex at 15 years old and always had a partner until my last relationship ended when I was 24. I never learned how to have sex that was for me; it was always about performing for the man. Part of this performance involved keeping my body small and stereotypically attractive – during the years I was sexually active, I spent so much time staying thin, hairless and blonde.
I have such a protective mindset now around my body, life and home. I hope if I continue to do the internal work around body image, building myself up and creating a life for myself that I genuinely want, then I might one day be in the position to re-engage with sex from a healthier standpoint. – Anonymous, 26, Australia
I can be a top or a bottom with men, women, non-binary people, etc
I have a pretty healthy relationship with sex. I enjoy it shamelessly. Inside the bedroom, I can be who I want with who I want. I can be a top or a bottom with men, women, non-binary people, etc. It’s been a wonderful way to relieve stress, learn about myself and what I like, and give pleasure to someone else, which I deeply enjoy. I have a “friend with benefits” I see once a week, and I also started leaning more towards ethical non-monogamy. It allows me more freedom to have a variety of different sexual experiences without the guilt of hurting someone’s feelings.
My current friend with benefits has shown me exactly how I want to be touched – with intention, reverence and respect. It’s given me the courage to speak up for what I want and like, and what I don’t like. This is something I had always struggled with, especially with men because a lot of them don’t listen or only consider themselves. – Katie, 34, Canada
Some say they can live without sex … not me!
I was a bit of a wild child in my 20s and had a lot of sex. In my 40s, I had a partner who opened my world to the joys of desire, longing and attentiveness. But our relationship grew out of infidelity and never quite recovered. Since then, it’s been a desert. I went four years (four!) without dating, and the landscape here is awful. Perimenopause has also put a damper on things.
Some say they can live without sex … not me! Desire and passion must be part of the equation. I’m still looking, but I’ve worked to not flame out, so to speak. And pleasuring myself has always been a part of my sexuality. – Anonymous, 52, Oregon
I was diagnosed with herpes just days into my second ever sexual relationship
Having grown up religious, I was a late bloomer. Once I decided to start having sex, I was excited to explore the sexual side I knew I had. However, I was diagnosed with herpes just days into my second ever sexual relationship. I was given little information or support by the NHS, and no option for medication as I don’t have regular flare-ups. But once you have it, you have it for life and you have to disclose it to each new partner.
The disease itself has absolutely no impact on my life, but the stigma is huge and horrible. Disclosure means I’ve been rejected out of hand, often by people I saw a future with. Early in my 20s, it stopped me from having spontaneous or casual sex, all things I wanted to try. Just last week, I was rejected after six great dates by a man who said: “I can’t afford to catch it from you in case we break up. Then I’ll be out there on my own with herpes. Who would want me?” – Penny, 30, UK
I’m not shaving my legs just to not have an orgasm
I like sex, but like most of my friends, I’m not having a lot of it. I’ve been single since January, and I don’t really enjoy casual hook-ups, so sex has been out of the picture for a while. I miss it, but I don’t want to have sex just for the sake of it. Casual sex can feel so emotionally empty and unsatisfying. And I’m not tidying my bedroom and shaving my legs just to not have an orgasm. – Jenna, 25, Scotland
Sex is completely separate from love
I love sex. It was something I was made to feel ashamed for many years, that as a woman I enjoyed fucking.
To me, sex is completely separate from love. I feel able to place sex with the rest of my hobbies. I have people I enjoy skateboarding with, and people I enjoy having sex with. Sex with someone you love can be a lot better (as many activities are when in love), yet I have had absolutely universe-melting orgasms with people I have no great affection for. – Anonymous, 37, UK
It’s nice to know what sex is going to be like
The first times I had sex at 16 and 17, I had vaginismus so sex was difficult and I was very scared. Around 19, I had my first serious relationship, and it was nice to have a stable relationship where you know what sex is going to be like. I did casual sex and one-night stands and it’s not my vibe at all. If you have casual sex often, you realize men don’t care about a woman’s pleasure. I can confidently say my female friends have similar experiences. – Guillermina, 24, Argentina
